Networking in the Art World: Sexting, STDs, and Just Bad Art
Q: I am an aspiring (female) curator. I would like to put on shows of artists’ work, however, I have slept with about a dozen artists in the Chicago area and none of them want to speak to me after our drunken nights of passion. How can I be a curator when all of these male artists aren’t friendly with me?
A: There are so many problems with this question. First, maybe you should act professionally with the people you want to put in your art shows. Second, there are female artists, so why don’t you just sleep with all of the men that you want and then put on shows of the women who you (probably) won’t sleep with? Maybe you’re the reason first-wave feminists have problems with you third-wavers. Also, have you ever considered that maybe these guys won’t talk to you because you’re annoying or some other default? Maybe it has nothing to do with your sexual performance and instead, you should see your gyno because maybe some bumps appeared where they shouldn’t or maybe you’re the annoying type of curator who tells artists what to do all the time. Bossy!
Networking tip: Artists should know that most curators and arts administrators have a fetish for them. They will literally jump on artists if they mention that you want to have a studio visit, need help writing a grant proposal, or want to include them in a drawing. Let’s take a tip from Lil’ Wayne who sings in “3 Peat” that there’s “No sitting at the table if you ain’t bringing nothing to it.” Relationships with other people in the arts need to be reciprocal.
Q: My friend makes bad art and I don’t know what to tell him. I’m usually quiet, but he wants to start a collective or an apartment gallery, but I’m afraid it will just die a fiery death.
A: Lots of people talk about starting galleries or collectives. Just wait to see if it will happen. Maybe this will be a good step for him if he is a bad artist, as you say. If he’s busy putting on other people’s shows, then he probably won’t make his own art anymore. Programming might be his calling!
Q: I’m scared that once I graduate with my BFA that I will just end up taking the first job that comes along and rarely making art. How do I continue being an artist?
A: First, you need to get an MFA. If, after a few years of applying to MFA programs without getting in anywhere, then you will know that either you’re talentless or you need to sleep around. Do you stay in your apartment like a hermit for five days a week smoking your pipe and watching movies with your live-in girlfriend? Are you the soul-searching, thoughtful type? None of these things will help you out. You need to go to openings and talk to strangers so that they know who you are and what you do, even if you have a website.
Networking tip: Go get inked with tats of your own artwork on your forearms so that you have a “portable portfolio” that you can show to everyone no matter where you go. No more .jpegs!