From the know-it-all gallerina with a heart of gold, here are her tips on how to make it in the art world – or at least know when you should give up.
Q: I’m really shy, so I know that I’m not cut out to be an artist or a gallerina. What other options do I have?
A: PhD? Those 18 – 24 year olds you will be stuck with for the rest of your life won’t care if you’re shy, as long as they make the grade. Also, have you ever heard the term “registrar” or “archivist”? If your personality leans more towards the librarian side of things, you might be able to make a career that way. Don’t give up on being an artist, yet. In the art world, strange personalities are often rewarded.
Q: How do I know who to sleep with in the art scene? I’m just not attracted to the future-lawyer type, so how do I date other artists without having our break up ruin my status in the art scene with post-break up awkwardness?
A: Just sleep with and date other sluts. That way you won’t have any break-ups since you won’t have any real relationships in the first place. If you don’t have a good radar for sluts, then just make sure that you avoid the “nice” ones. For instance, if you receive a text from a cute girl who wants to go out to a movie, then just ignore her because she wants to go on actual dates with you and you might break her heart. However, if she texts you after midnight or right after the bars close—what was previously known as a booty call, but is now known as sexting—she will be the perfect partner. By sexting you, she is letting you know that she just wants your ass, and maybe the occasional dinner, but not babies.
Networking Tip: Be careful with sexting because with your slippery fingers, you just might end up sending especially embarrassing messages to the wrong person. So, if you know that you have a large number of friends whose names start with “L,” be particularly wary of just how dirty your text. You don’t want to send “so wet 4 u baby. meet up l8tr 2nite?” to just anyone in your address book.
Q: Is sleeping with an undergrad (I’m a grad student) a bad idea?
A: Ummm, of course it is, but only if they’re a student in your class. This decision won’t help you professionally. Sleeping with your students is unethical and against all academic rules and may come back to haunt you when you’re older. You can drink and smoke with your students, but don’t stick your hands down their pants. Of course, professors do it with their students all the time, but they have tenure.
Networking tip: After the semester is over, you can always ask your ex-student for a studio visit.
Q: I like working at a gallery, however I hate the preparators. They think I’m a “gallerina” who doesn’t know anything. When I try to get anything done when the gallery director isn’t around, they will just stand there and not move any of the paintings. How can I get the preparators to listen to me?
A: Preparators are often smug, so you will need to warm up to them. My friend had problems with her preparators until she started innocently flirting with them. Many preparators used to be artists, but weren’t successful, so they often have low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter if you lie when you flirt with them, just do it so that no one will ever use the term “gallerina” again.
Networking tip: Preparators have strong arms that can throw or grab their way into your kinky heart.