Day in the Life of a Creepy Grad Student in a mid-20s Crisis
8:50 AM: On my way to the undergrad film class I TA, can’t find a place to store my bike. Have to get here earlier, but I stayed up too late watching obscure Korean animation online.
10:20 AM: In serious need of coffee. I hate sitting through lectures when I could teach the class myself, but at least I get to look at all the undergrads in a dimly-lit room and hope they can’t see me. Honestly, I’m not too much older than them. I mean, some of them are probably more experienced in bed than me. I lived at home for my first two years of undergrad before going to state school and they’ve probably been having orgies in the dorms for at least that long.
12:05 PM: In the elevator, blonde with huge 1980s frames, like Janine from the Ghostbusters, asks me a question about the mid-term paper. She looks stupid, especially since her frames don’t have any lenses, but she probably is stupid anyways considering that she wrote her first paper on Einstein, not Eisenstein. WTF! I accidentally brush up against her when the catering guy budges into the elevator with a food cart. She doesn’t say anything and I take this as a positive sign. Decide that the next time I run into her I will also “accidentally” brush up against her.
3:47 PM: Run into current advisor and start sweating because he thinks I’m gay. Just because we smoked together and I then made out with his friend doesn’t mean that he gets to think I’m gay. I’m open to being gay, but really I’m just post-gay, so I decide to mention my female hook-ups whenever I run into him.
5:30 PM: In my studio when I get a random text from a girl I met at a party like three months ago. I don’t remember what she looks like and her Facebook photos are misleading, so why would I want to meet up with her for lunch? Whatevs. I tell her to text me this weekend. Hopefully, after drinking I won’t care too much about what she looks like.
5:31 PM: Remember that random hook-ups are a good idea. Don’t cross party girl off your list or you will have to resort to spending the night with your back-up plan: your gay friends. Anyways, remind yourself that you’re too busy as a graduate student to be in any meaningful relationships.
5:32 PM: Think about taking off undergrad’s glasses while spanking her for not knowing the difference between Einstein and Eisenstein.
7:00 PM: Going to see Let the Right One In. I already downloaded it, but my ex wanted to see it. I feel bad about cheating on her even though I never told her about it, but that’s not why I broke up with her. I just said I was just too busy for a relationship since I am seriously in my studio every day.
8:30 PM: Said ex-girlfriend decides to lean in close to me. Later tonight, will I be getting head while watching Youtube or will I be jerking off to Youtube? Hopefully, head.
9:40 PM: Ex politely hugs me before she scurries home. Something about her cat. Something lame.
11:45 PM: Bored and tired. Scanning Craigslist’s Missed Connections, hoping my student posted something. Of course she didn’t because she—of course—has some artist BF with parents who still give him money, like money for drugs. I wouldn’t even have time to do drugs if I wanted.